Alone Time
by ZephyrTheBunny
Summary: Dave isn't entirely sure if he's gay or not. Perhaps some one on one with a new inanimate friend can help him decide?


The kiss took Dave by surprise just as much as it had Kurt. Maybe even more. Neither of them had seen it coming, but at least Kurt _knew_ he was gay. Kurt had known his entire life that eventually he'd get a kiss from a guy. Dave on the other hand, had never looked at _anyone_ in a sexual way before. It had never bothered him; he had no interest in girls, that was cool, but he had no interest in guys either. So maybe he was just, you know, _dead_ down there.

After the kiss with Kurt, he was in such a state of shock that he genuinely believed that it _had_ been Kurt who kissed him. At least at first. By the time he was sitting in Principal Sylvester's office with his dad, ever so disappointed (as usual), taking Kurt's side, he realized with perhaps a little trepidation, that when he told his dad that Hummel probably liked him, he was more than a bit hopeful that was true.

During his temporary expulsion, Dave had had nothing to do but sit on the computer all day and attempt to be productive. He went up about fifteen levels in Farmville that week. By day three of his expulsion, his curiosity got the better of him. Was he really attracted to guys, or was there something about Hummel? Twenty four hours and five computer viruses later, Dave had seen enough guy on guy porn to know that _that_ was pretty damn hot. But scary.

Sure, you could say you were gay just because you thought guys looked hot. But honestly, aesthetic appeal can only go so far. Eventually, in any normal, functioning relationship (if that's what you want), there has to be something a bit _more_. Certain things have to happen. And those certain things scared the hell out of Dave. The first hardcore, full throttle porn Dave watched, all he could think was _There is no way that is going to fit…oh…my…fucking…_GOD. _How the HELL did that fit there?_

He felt mildly sick after that. The next morning, seeing himself naked in front of the bathroom mirror, he turned around and looked at his backside for the first time since he got that nasty road rash on his ass when he fell off Az's dirt bike. Shorts and dirt bikes did not mix. Dave looked at his butt, then looked down at his "junk." _How the hell does something like that fit in somewhere like that?_

He considered fingering himself, after all, not all guys were going to be monsters like him. But after realizing that he had a bad propensity for subconsciously biting his nails, he decided that might be a bad idea. _They make things for situations like this_. _Chicks use them all the time_. Where the hell would he get his hands on a dildo? Something clicked in his head. There was an adult novelty store off the highway on the way to his aunt's house in Columbus. The store was only about an hour drive away; he could do that. No one would need to know.

A week after his ground-ation ended/two weeks after his expulsion was overturned, Dave found himself driving by the adult-only store. For the forth time. The first time he had genuinely missed the parking lot. The second time, he was trying to tell if it was open or not. The third time he was debating whether or not he really had the money to waste on something like that. The fourth time he was panicking that if he used his debit card his parents might see it. Finally, after deciding that he probably had enough cash on hand, he parked and got out of the car…then froze. What if that playboy Puck was here? Or that pervert Jew-fro? Or that little slut Santana? Dave hopped back in his jeep and went home.

Another week later, he was on Amazon, getting a new hockey stick when it occurred to him you could get _anything_ on Amazon. After a few minutes of searching, he found what he was looking for. Impulsively, he clicked "instant checkout." He spent the next week terrified that it would show up in a giant box marked "imitation penis" or something equally horrifying. But no, When he got home on Wednesday, there it was on his kitchen counter, still sealed, in a typical Amazon box with the little arrow "swoosh" on the side; nothing at all conspicuous or abnormal about it.

He immediately hid it in his closet, afraid his parents might walk in on him unwrapping it or something. It stayed in his closet for the next two weeks. Dave couldn't even _fathom_ risking his parents finding him with that, that…_that_.

Finally though, after long last, his parents were going out-of-town for their anniversary. They would be leaving for Columbus Friday night and returning Sunday night.

He didn't even let himself think about it Friday night. What if his parents returned unexpectedly because they forgot something? Saturday afternoon he finally pulled the unopened box out of his closet. He stared at it for a few minutes, half reverently/ half terrified. This box, or rather the contents of it, could forever change his future. He ripped the packing tape off, and looked at the package within the package. He gingerly opened up the clamshell packaging containing his new toy. It wasn't horribly large, only six inches, but still seemed a lot bigger than the picture had let on. It was smooth and cylindrical, not actually meant to _look_ like _one of those_. It was blue, his favorite color, a definite bonus, and best of yet, it already had batteries in it.

After glancing over the instructions, he twisted the back cap. It immediately came alive in his hands, vibrating like a cell phone going off. Dave's eyes went wide. He was pretty sure neighbors down the street could hear the noise this damn thing was making. He switched it off again and re-read the instructions to confirm it was safe for use in the shower.

He placed it by the sink in his bathroom, got out the jar of Vaseline he used on his lips during the more blistery winter football games and got undressed. He scooped up a glob of Vaseline and smeared it all over the blue sex toy. There was a lot left over on his hands, so he decided it was probably best to wipe it off where the toy was going anyway. He _did not_ like the way the slimy, greasy Vaseline felt on his butt. _So far…I'm not __**totally**__ gay. _Dave thought.

Turning on the shower, he got in, taking the cylinder with him. When the water was warm enough that everything had stopped goosepimpling and returned to its normal size, Dave turned the vibrator on again. With the noise of the shower to drown it out, it didn't seem nearly as bad this time. He flicked it off again, deciding it would probably be best to "position" it first.

Dave bent over slightly, bracing himself against the shower wall with one arm. He poised himself with his other hand holding the vibrator directly below his, formerly, "exit only" area. He felt like a perverted version of Juliet at the end of _Romeo and Juliet_, except instead of plunging a dagger into his heart he was going to plunge a … into his …

Dave couldn't even think the words.

He positioned it directly in front of his hole, allowing it to breach slightly, just enough to line things up. Taking a deep breath, Dave gave himself a brief countdown, "Three…two…one." With one quick motion, Dave pushed it up inside and immediately cried out, "Holy shit you motherfucker!"

He reached back around again, intent on getting that damn thing out, when his hand, still slippery from the Vaseline, triggered the "on" switch. Something else happened…the pain started to die down. David just collected his thoughts for a second, afraid that if he moved he might lodge the thing further up inside. The vibrations actually felt pretty good though.

When the pain was completely gone and all Dave could feel was that _really_ nice tingling from the vibrations he decided, against all sanity, to give it another go.

He pushed slowly on the vibrator, edging it inside. Dave bit his lower lip, _Okay, really kinda nice, now_.

He pulled out a little and pushed it back in. _Okay, very nice_.

After a few tries at that, he decided to swirl it around a bit. The strangest sensation shot through Dave. It was the most intense _pleasure_ he could ever possibly imagine. He tried the whole "swirling" thing again and felt his legs almost go out. Dave had discovered the male version of the G-spot.

Half an hour later Dave was still in the shower, although now he was on his hands and knees, poking and prodding with his new best friend as the shower water continued to pour down around him.

_Okay…I'm definitely gay_.


End file.
